A Reflection

WARNING: A VERY LENGHTY BLOG POST

It seems like ages ago since I was in a “I hate Thailand and everything about it” mode. As I suspected, it was a phase. Thailand can wear you down and sometimes, such feelings creep up on you, right at the point where your patience is wearing thin. At such point, everything else will be perceived to be in an abysmal mess, almost irreparable.

Yet, another year has passed as I marked my fourth year in Bangkok end May 2009. Time flies. Another year to look back, since I extended my planned 2-year stay by another 2 more years.

Thailand can get to you sometimes and, there are moments where I would just want to bite people’s head off and get out of the madness. For me, that usually happens in the office environment. As much as I bitch about Thailand at times though, I have to say that a lot of things may not have happened if not for the very fact that I’m actually in this eccentric country.

As far as I remember, I’ve always wanted to work overseas. I yearn for the experience, the exposure outside my own comfort zone, the culture-shock, unknown challenges...things money can’t buy. Even though Bangkok was not the first place on my list, I could hardly believe my luck when I was offered a job here. While I did wish for the opportunity, I never would have thought that someday, my yearnings became a reality in this lifetime.

I mentally wanted to grab the job callously with open-arms when my boss told me about the posting. But circumstances at that time made me think about it long and hard. It was not an easy decision to make to say the least. I must have kept the thought to myself for at least 2 months before I wanted to tell anyone else about it as negotiations with my Thai office was underway. Had it not been for my mom, I would likely keep that knowledge to myself (with the exception of my twelve-minus-two buddy who knew about it just a tad earlier) until I was very sure of my decision. For some reason, my mom seemed to have the hunches, which spooked me, to say the least. I remembered the incident very clearly: I was helping my mom making pineapple tarts and out of nowhere, she started steering our conversation to what’s going on in my head at that time. She did it ever so subtly, dropping hints on overseas posting and mentioning, Vietnam and Indonesia (but strangely, not Thailand). It’s as if she knew! I finally relented after her half hour “digging” and told her about the offer on the table. Till now, I cannot forget the calm smile on her face as she clipped the pineapple tarts as soon as I told her what was going on. At that time, I was half-expecting of her disapproval, but instead, she supported me whole-heartedly citing, in her own words: "the experience is yours and it cannot be bought, measured or compensated with money." I was, and still am, moved by my mom’s positive encouragement. It took a while before my dad came to terms with the fact that I’ll be gone. I can understand why. To him, I’m always his little girl who needs to be protected. He eventually gave his blessings.

When other people finally got wind of my move, there were mixed reactions. While some were supportive, some started asking me (which I thought was a ridiculous) question as to why I would even think of going out of Singapore. Everything I need is in Singapore and Singapore this, and Singapore that, and Singapore offers everything. Some insinuated that Thailand could be my doom…of all places! Thailand! Thailand would be a career suicide! People move to Europe or US…but Thailand?! That’s unthinkable! By the same token, some weird beings reprimanded my parents for being irresponsible to let a girl live out on her own in some strange country. Call it the Asian values as I’m certain they probably couldn’t fathom or understand why any sane person would want such things. My answer to the annoying question was simple: It’s going to be good for MY soul. There’s no Europe, there’s no US and Thailand is willing to give me that one opportunity in a lifetime. An opportunity that’s hard to come by. Thankfully, they didn’t argue more with me.

Generally, I approach things with an open-mind. Anything goes, let it ride. It was, however, a depressing time for me after about 3 months, and mind you, I’m not the manic depressive type. It takes a lot, and I do mean A LOT out of me to make me all down and depressed. While work was fine, friends or social life is just NADA. It is hard to make friends in this country. Bangkok being infamously Bangkok is not an easy place for a lone, single woman. Not having shopping as one of my past-time wasn’t helping much for my well-being. Being naturally introverted made things worse, but even so, I had actually gone out of my way to join some writing club in my bid to make friends. Imagine an introvert going out of her way to make friends…it’s like asking the mute to sing! That, however, did not last long as the horrible traffic ensured my perpetual impunctuality. Besides, let’s just say that the crowd wasn’t really my type.

While I do like being alone, it was probably the first time in my life that I felt real lonely. Everyone I knew seemed so far away. A phone-call doesn’t quite cut it. It takes a lot of effort to get to know people. So much so that I felt so worn out from the routine “question-and-answer sessions” of trying to make friends, and later realize there was no real connection. The loneliness was almost unbearable and even though I had known Silver Bullet as an acquaintance then, my pride made sure that I wasn’t being too dependent on him for company. After all, it is Bangkok we are talking about here. I am too aware of the fact that Bangkok is a boys’ haven. In my mind, given a choice, men would generally prefer multiple Thai beauties as opposed to hanging out with 1 loony female from the one-dot city on a map. That, and top it up with my crass attitude, I’m more likely to scare the crap out of the boys rather than attract them. Fortunately for me, Silver Bullet took to my looniness and seemed to enjoy my random company. His presence as an honest friend really did ease up my bouts of depression.

So many things happened in the last 4 years, some things I couldn’t for the life of me, imagine happening. I’d more likely to laugh in your face if you’d tell me 10 years ago that I’ll earn my bread and butter living in Thailand and actually got married. I think that’s probably the biggest joke amongst my close friends as I was pretty adamant of living my life as a singleton. I’m sure my parents are both relieved now that some guy has saved their daughter from the imminent spinsterhood.

At the end of it, Bangkok, offered me a chance at something. A chance to be a better person, a chance to learn, a chance for happiness, a chance to love, a chance to proof myself and a chance for a better appreciation. I think my awareness for such chances are heightened just because I’m far away from the familiarity of home base, which otherwise, from my perspective, (I) might just take it all for granted.

It's still looking like Bangkok will be our home for at least the next few years to come [hence the LCD TV ;p] with Silver Bullet's contract extended and mine, open-ended. As long as both our employment services are required by our respective employers, I guess we’ll be here.

Despite the frustrations, it is no doubt to me that the last 4 years here has been good for my soul. I learnt that for the sakes of sanity, some battles relating to Thai culture and beliefs are just not worth fighting; be it within or outside the office. Live and let live, but I promise, it will not be without the occasional oh-so-sanguine bitching.