Pregnancy: Nobody told me!

[WARNING: AN EXTREMELY LENGTHY BLOG POST]

My entire pregnancy has been one hell of a learning curve. I also discovered some shocking facts of my entire 41 weeks + 4 days of pregnancy that were just pure evil. They were far from fun and enjoyable. The list may sound rather graphic, so skip this post if you think that’s just “too much information”.

 Here goes my list…read it at your own risk!

#1: I suffered from involuntary incontinence almost the entire time I was pregnant. Every cough, sneeze, laugh will cause me to pee involuntarily. Not just a wee bit, but a massive bit! Especially when the tummy gets bigger with each passing week, resulting in me having to wear grandma’s underwear and panty-liners (later upgraded to normal sanitary pads!) 24/7. Very charming!

#2: The toilet became my best friend as I pee more than I ever did in my entire lifetime. I’m sure the increase in my water bill may have been attributed by the constant flushing going on at home.

#3: Besides the belly, everything else just grew. I suddenly developed smurf-like hands, except that they were not blue. They were fat; so,so fat that they looked stunted, as if they all are stuck together. I’m sure the Smurfs will be so proud of me!

#4: My entire feet literally just over-flowed from my shoes. My ankles were swelling nice almost the entire time of my pregnancy. So bad that I think if you poke my ankles with a needle, a water fountain will miraculously appear right before your eyes! You might as well throw a coin and make a wish. It got worse than it already was during my last 3 weeks that I was told to get OFF my feet for a few days or risk a termination of pregnancy. (a symptom associated with preeclampsia)

#5: My face, my chest and my neck became a thriving and conducive environment for The Acne. There were kahunas of a pimple sprouting everywhere, everyday. I thought my bad acne days from my teenage years were over. Those icky, big , fat and painful boil of a pimple just wasn’t fun when new ones keep sprouting on a daily basis.

#6: The crying hormones besieged me unexpectedly. I probably cried more than I ever did in my entire lifetime within a span of months. I became a softie as I cried over sappy movies and the not-so-sappy ones. I’m so lame I even cried over Amazing Race when the camera pans into “speeches” of the eliminated contestants towards the end of the program. I cried at almost every single episode.

#7: I seemed to be dropping anything and everything that I have in my hand. I then became a comic relief to Silver Bullet as he will laugh at me (although he insisted he was laughing WITH me) when I would try to pick the stuff I dropped on the floor and then wasn't very successful at it when my tummy got progressively bigger. I then mastered the art of picking things up with my toes before handing it over to The Hand. Later on, this became an impossible feat as although I could retrieve stuff off the floor with my toes, I could no longer pass it along to my hand as the tummy was in the way!

#8: Menstruation shape shifted in the form of bleeding gums. This happened every single day each time I brushed my teeth or flossed that it appeared as if I have used blood as a mouthwash.

 #9: “Pregnant Brain” was real. It did not happen all the time, but sometimes, even I myself was baffled at me. It’s like I go through the day on a switch off mode. 2 cases that came to mind:

• Bought something from the supermarket, paid for it and left. I mean, I JUST LEFT. I had to walk a good 200 meters back to the cashier at the supermarket to retrieve the stuff I already paid for which I conveniently forgot to take with me. DUH!

• One of those days after work, Silver Bullet called and asked if I needed a pickup from him since he was already close by. I enthusiastically said yes, all too happy for a free- ride home, and so packed up my stuff and left the office. When I walked out of the building I absent-mindedly hailed a cab, completely forgotten about Silver Bullet’s offer. I only remembered that Silver Bullet might already be waiting for me at the gas station where I was supposed to be picked up when I was almost home.

#10:  My obsession with food intensified a hundred fold, but for some reason, could not stomach Thai food. The sheer smell of any Thai food made me want to puke. I was in a “give me any other food, but Thai food” mode almost throughout my pregnancy.

#11:  I am usually rendered useless after 6 pm in the evening. I’ll come home from work and concussed on the couch by 7.30 pm and in bed by 9.30 pm every day of the week.

#12: Nothing prepared me for a perpetual blocked nose for the entire time which left me extremely dependent on the nose sprays. It was blocked the moment I wake up in the morning and will continue on throughout the day, especially when I’m in any air-conditioned area. Couple that with my sometimes-crying- hormones which completely hampered my breathing, and a breathing apparatus might just come in handy.

#13: Irritability to the max. Don’t even think of messing with me. I’ve got a raging hormone that could be unleashed in a nano second and you’ll be damn sorry you even tried.

#14: Most maternity clothes are just super FUGLY that made you look like a old hag. I refused to get one (until the last trimester that is) and tried to get away with flowy dresses.

#15: My belly suddenly became a public property. I’m OK with families and CLOSE friends touching my belly, but I really cringed at strangers or sheer run-of-mill acquaintances who smothered my belly.The worst are those who saw me from a distance and immediately start to stretch out their hands like Inspector Gadget. Suddenly, I (or rather, my belly) became their best friends.Colleagues aside, but strangers like the cleaning ladies in the office, waiting staff at restaurants or hotels or the sales persons at the mall became a tummy magnet.  Why can’t they just keep their hands to themselves?! Excuse me, but do you see me grabbing your ass?

#16: I get overly sensitive at times. Mess with my emotions and you won’t hear a bleep from me for a few days. Ask Silver Bullet.

#17: Dreams are just weird while pregnant. I remember one where I saw Silver Bullet’s adult head on Spud’s tiny body. Only, I didn’t know what the gender was.

#18: Out.of.Breath.All.The.Time. Enough said.

#19: Farts-and-burps became a shameless routine, especially so in the evenings and before going to bed. I’m sure they were the most pleasant sounding lullaby Silver Bullet had ever heard.

#20: Snoring became my middle name. As my tummy got bigger, the snoring became louder. So loud that Silver Bullet had to buy a pair of ear-plugs. As he put it, the melody of my snores sounded just like he was sleeping in a sawmill!

#21:Waddling became my signature walk by the 5th month since I started showing at 12 weeks.

#22: Haemorrhoid is a pain in the ass! Literally. (And I have never had this in my entire life before!)

#23:  Everything I ate gave me a heartburn. Antacids and Zantac became my other best friends, although there were times when they have to be purged out and no longer work too well. My heartburn became a  reflux as I mastered the art of projectile vomiting.

#24: Ambushed by unsolicited advice by the We-are-the-New-Parents-Syndrome. These people who unfortunately are associated to us by proximity suddenly felt that since they have been parents for barely 2 weeks and they beat us to having their baby first, they now have all the wisdom and authority on  parenting skills in a 5-minutes elevator conversation.

#25: "Noise" by physical proximity (close friends & family NOT included here!). People started dispensing free advise on the type of food I should or should not consume or comment on the type of activity I should or should not do.I'm only pregnant, not handicapped, people!

#26:  It was fun in the beginning when people started guessing the gender of our child (we didn't want to find out and we didn't, as we wanted it to be a surprise), but got terribly annoying when they decided that they were just going to IMPOSE their guesswork on you because their gut-feel said so!

#27: People IMPOSING their concern so rudely of my 'condition' by saying (quote-unquote) "You  cannot be only 4 months preggars! So big, YOU KNOW... You better watch what you eat, you knowwww!"  Excuse me, but haven't you seen the size of my husband who happened to be walking just right next to you?!
#28:  Finally, the infamous pregnancy glow. Seriously, WHAT glow? The only glow I had was my shiny T-Zone and my acne-spotted face which could have easily reflected light from a million miles away.

Now, tell me if being pregnant is fun. To those who enjoyed every bit of their pregnancy and embraced all the inconveniences with open arms and open hearts, I must say that I really salute you! I know I had issues...