Why I kept my mouth shut

[Warning: A lengthy blog post]

Many a time, I have been asked why there had not been any mention of my pregnancy in my blog while I was carrying Spud. This very question came from close friends who happened to know about my pregnancy then. They were pretty puzzled why I kept such “thrilling” news hush-hush. I guess it is now time to “come clean”, following the announcement of Spud’s arrival 18 days ago.

I don’t know where to start, really. I guess I made a conscious decision not to blog about it simply because I was not ready to share with the whole wide world. I felt people in general tend to get over-zealous over the word pregnancy. More often than not, I think there was really no reason to make it such a big deal at all; simply because I didn’t think I was any more special since millions of women get pregnant and have babies. I am only one of the statistics. Those are, however, only one part to the story.

The other reason was mainly because of too many uncertainties. When we decided to try for a Spud, it was also a conscious decision on our part to “screw the contraception, just give it a go and see what happens”. Our train of thoughts about having a baby was along the lines of: let’s just try and if for some reason we are not able to, we still can seek help if we really need/want to. If somehow it did not work out, at least we know we tried. Given my skepticism with having kids, we know we can live with the fact if we can’t have kids and so, we can move on with our lives and spend our money on us in our old age. At least, there will be no regrets of having to look back one day and do a should have, would have, could have but didn’t. If we are destined not to have kids, we know in our hearts that at least we have tried. We do not have to go back to ‘what ifs” once we hit 50, and then realising that we should have tried having kids, but didn’t. Those were our very sentiments.

Uncertainties were real. Sometime mid last year, I actually had a miscarriage. Truth be told, I did not even know I was pregnant then. To say we were even ready for it was an understatement. When the doctor finally confirmed it, I was kind of shell-shocked to know that I was in my 8th week of pregnancy. I remembered Silver Bullet’s face flushing bright red when we walked out of the doctor’s office, both of us in apprehensive silent with the sudden news. It could not have happened so fast, we thought. We were not ready and the timing was not right! We, however, had barely digested the news when about 10 hours later, I started bleeding heavily accompanied by intense cramping which lasted till the next day. Our visit to the doctor’s on the following day confirmed of a “spontaneous abortion”. We speculated that whatever it was, the fetus may have detected our uneasiness and decided to flush itself out! Honestly, I was not emotionally affected by the miscarriage at all. It was literally a case of here today, gone tomorrow…barely enough time for us to absorb the full-extend of it all. It did, however, took a few months for my body to resume to some form of normalcy post the miscarriage. And at about 5-6 months later, Spud was conceived.

My pregnancy, for the most part was a well-kept secret. Those who knew only knew because they saw me in person. I did not really want to announce it to the whole world, not even after the 13th week as it was something I wanted to keep private, just in case something untoward was to happen. I was a worry-wart, speculating a lot of “what ifs” in my head. I worry if our baby will, God forbid! be deformed, or handicapped or mentally challenged or diagnosed with a down syndrome or some strange diseases or having to deal with a stillborn. Things which are not normal and beyond our control, and having to make the right or wrong decision for an unborn child was something which I was not looking forward to. I worry if I will ever be a qualified candidate for a good mother. I worry if it is selfish of us to put another life in this world when the world is just a screwed-up place to live along with millions of other screwed up society with screwed-up values and screwed-up environmentally damaged environment. For most part, I was unsure how I would cope with my pregnancy and the reality of having my own flesh and blood on the way. It was all a pretty bizarre concept for a “I-never-want-kids-ever” me. I cringed at the thought of people annoyingly fussing over me and my pregnancy.

I am glad that despite all my crazy and inane thoughts, we have a physically-perfect, healthy baby. If anything, she might just be a little loopy, given her direct lineage from her parents. My only hope for Spud is to grow up healthy and happy.  Everything else , especially material stuff, is secondary.