18 months update

I am almost truly convinced that whilst it is still a good six months away from Spud's 2nd birthday, that dreaded Terrible Two stage has arrived with a big, fat hello. 

Blame it on the prohibitively cold weather, or the unfamiliarity of the surrounding when we were in Holland, and while the trip started out okay in the first few days despite her ultra crankiness, her temperament had actually gotten progressively worse as each day passes by.

I guess, to a certain extend, it also did not help that Spud got really, really sick for the very first time in her life whilst we were there. She got sick proper with fever up to 39 degrees for a good few days - not having the energy or drive to do anything but sleep.  Before she came down with the dreaded fever, she has unsuspectingly projectile vomitted her dinner ON ME for two straight evenings in a row.

But the night she came down with a fever, she pretty much cried every half an hour, keeping us awake the entire night. While she has had bouts of cold here and there, this really was the first time she fell sick properly - puking, not eating very much and very inactive.

She was so out of it that she spent her day clinging to either Silver Bullet or me like a koala bear, sleeping all day. Come to think of it though, despite Spud being sick, not a bad day for us at all as she was mostly quiet - something which we have never experienced before!

Yes. Spud was QUIET.

Quiet.for.the.entire.day.

Not much fuss and spent her days just sleeping.

For us, that was a novelty - and easily one of the easiest days we have had ever. We  had the sorriest looking little Spud ever. So sad that it was heart-breaking to watch her being so sick like that.

It was suspected that with every other kid in Holland falling sick, we speculated that she may have had what they called the 5th Disease - a mild illness which causes a reddish rash on the child's face. We never did find out if that was so, but she certainly had those rashes on her cheeks for almost a week!

Funnily enough though, for reasons beyond my or anyone's understanding, Spud has since been more clingy to her Papa and rejecting me for most, if not all of the time, especially after her fever was gone. While I observe that this reject Mama phase has been going on for a while now, Spud decided that she would unleash her undeniable show of rejection to me in the most hostile and violent way.

By hostile I mean, not wanting me to touch her or even be near her. The moment I reached out to her, she smacked my hands off as quickly followed by piercing wails as if she has been tortured by the evil witches. If she saw me coming her way, she diverted her way from me just as quickly, ignoring me completely, refusing any eye contact and gravitate towards Silver Bullet when he is around. Once as we almost accidentally bumped into each other (I got in her way apparently), she started throwing a fit right in front of my feet that I had to walk away.

By violent I mean she not only struggled really hard in trying to get off my arms the moment I carried her or when Silver Bullet passed her to me, but she then would also throw herself on the floor while I tried to firmly hold onto her so as to prevent her from falling hard to the floor and hit her head.  She then continues kicking me, screaming and arches her back all the way backwards in her bid to get away from me.

When we went out without her, she clung on to her grandparents so dearly and refused to let me take her when she saw me coming; turning her head away and almost got herself into a major fit when I tried to touch her.

I am not exaggerating in any way here.

The show of rejection was spectacular. It was more dramatic than the sound and light show at the Pyramids!

There was nothing, and I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I could do to win her, for only Silver Bullet could calm her down. It did not seem to matter that I was not there. Even when she was really sick, she actually did not really want me. She did struggle a tad, but was probably too sick to fight me. When she got a little better, the more I tried, the more she acted up, and the more violent she became towards me.

I was beyond words. My heart bled as if it was slashed by a serrated blade. For many a times, over several days, I could only watch her cling on to Silver Bullet while I was being completely dismissed. My child did not want her mother. It made it worse for the fact that she has been sick. I mean, what child rejects her mother when she is sick?

It was like I am the evil step-mother. I was broken.

Perhaps I could even use me being a stay-home mom as an excuse if I was one. But I wasn't. So, technically,  shouldn't she be happy to be able to spend more time with me?

What made it all more ironic was that since we arrived in Holland, I had not lose my temper with her despite her ultra crankiness. Not even a bit. 

If I had lost my temper or shouted my head off at her, I can use that an an excuse for her to hate me. But for a while now, I have managed ot keep my cool (*pat myself on the back) . Even when she misbehaved and pushed her boundaries with me, I was calm and collected. She was difficult but not unmanageable.I was stern but I did not lose my head. 

 However, the moment she smells Silver Bullet, she turned into this little evil monster.

Suddenly, I am her worse enemy. While I heard that rejection is common for tots at this stage and is only "just a phase",  I still cannot figure out as to why this stage has lasted so long (>9 months!), and to have her rejected me so violently like that was just too much to bear.

Being rejected is one thing, and like I have said before, I am comforted by the fact that she has a bond with Silver Bullet - but being rejected in the most violent and resentful ways is another thing altogether.

So, screw you if you think I am just being overtly sensitive. As level headed as I would like to think I am, I would be lying if I say that the violent rejections for days on end did not hurt at all.  It was, to a certain extent, hard to not take it personally, and believe you, me, Silver Bullet gets equally frustrated because he cannot get a breather and his wife is a miserable little fuck because she cannot do jack-all to diffuse the situation as the little tot is likely to throw her biggest world-class temper tantrum.

I wish I could read a child's mind. Truly, whatever happened to make her change her tune towards me is something I guess I will never know.

What we did discover, though, was that after a few days of Spud's violence and hostility, we realised Spud just needed to be put in her place.

And that is a rather interesting piece of story to tell for another time.