Just us

Intrusive is how I feel about having a nanny around the house 10 hours a day, 5x a week.

I know, I know…a nanny or domestic help at home is supposed to be part of the family, and, like most people, I am supposed to feel that way for everyone’s benefit, especially Spud’s. But, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t help but feel like I have just welcomed an intruder into our lives.

You see, I’ve been somewhat a wreck these days. Not that I have not been out of the house, but it probably stemmed from spending too much time at home, with the constant presence of our nanny during my maternity leave.

It came as a rude realisation to me that I have never been alone with my daughter in our own home since my discharge from the hospital. As far as I can recall, the Nanny has always been around to help out since she was born.

Having a nanny, while is a blessing especially during the early days of my recovery, can also be a curse. While I appreciate the fact that a lot of the household chores get done, I don’t really like it when the nanny tries to take over minding Spud when I am around.

I mean, of course I understand that it is her primary responsibility, since we hired her to take care of Spud in the first place (mainly for when I get back to work). However, I was beginning to resent the fact that she is always the first to get to Spud each time she cries or is always, always there for Spud within seconds as much as we hear a tiny yelp from that little imp. When I told her ‘I got this’, she would linger about me, watching me, in case I need help. I know she has had experience with babies before and I am only the inexperienced new mom. While I believe her intention is all good, it somehow made me feel incompetent. I did not like the feeling one bit. Most of all, I don’t want Spud to have a stronger attachment to her and that I am only known as the one with the boob-for-food to Spud. Sometimes, there is also a conflict in how we see things. For instance, while I think it is OK to let Spud cry out once in a while, I don’t think she has it in her to let a baby cry at all; not even for a minute. Call it a power struggle if you will, but it was enough to drive me crazy!

Screw the household chores for a few days, but I figured I have every right to have the entire apartment to myself. I needed that few days alone with Spud, not to test my sanity, but rather to see how I’d cope on my own. Most importantly, to get to know my daughter better as I relish on self-mastery and the ability to figure things out on my own. I want to do things my way without being afraid that I’m being judged because there is another person in the house, looking over my shoulder all the time. I just needed to do this.

So I told the Nanny not to come for a few days last week. I psyched myself that I’ll probably face hell without help abound, but I was adamant that I can cope, regardless how demanding Spud may be.

While I came out of the ordeal unscathed, I admit it was trying, especially when you have 3 cats running around testing your patience at the same time. Figuring her out was not easy, but it was not impossible. If anything, I managed to take the world's record shower! I am actually looking forward to a few more "us-days" before I go back to work. During those alone days, I managed to untangle a few knots between us, smoothing the creases as we go along.

She gave me her first “ah-goo-goo”.

She focuses her attention on me while squealing in delight.

She flashes me her toothless grins.

She threw me her coy but vivacious laughter, where no one else have heard but me.

And then I realised that I have fallen in love.